Christmas Heartache

I figured I'd better post something about Christmas. People keep asking how I (we) are doing at this time of year. I'm having a hard time putting it into words, so it's been really difficult to think of stopping and trying to write about it. Never mind the fact that I've been so ridiculously busy that I've hardly had the chance to even think about any words to write. In some ways, that has been very helpful. I know that I have a habit of overworking myself in order to "escape", which has been working not too badly until last week. That's when I hit the wall. The meltdown started on Thursday and I'm still recovering. I have to say, it's definitely not as bad as last year, but it's still not great. I just couldn't bring myself to go to church today and sing those Christmas carols that she adored so much. Today we did our little family Christmas--unwrapped the gifts, had a special supper, and snacks. We did our best, but it's just not the same. She was absolutely our reason to celebrate--she loves Christmas, she loves giving gifts (and getting them, too), she loves the decorations, the lights, the food...everything. It was an absolute delight to do anything and everything we could to make Christmas special for her. We never once took for granted that it might be our last Christmas as a family. Our last Christmas together was so amazing. We had just moved into our house, not even a month before. Christmas Eve was a Sunday that year. I woke up really early to take her to dialysis, then came back to be up for worship. I remember getting ready for church that morning, and suddenly finding myself weeping uncontrollably. I remember getting down on my knees in the bathroom and thanking God for everything He had given us. He had given us so much that year...the amazing camping summer, and then, out of the blue, the chance to move to town. Most of all, He'd given us Mom and another Christmas together. It was so much more than I could have asked for. I will never forget it. We left church early to go pick Mom up from dialysis. We told her we didn't have plans about what we'd have for supper that day, but that we'd go to Superstore to find some food. She thought we'd pick up some pretty typical appetizer-type food, but instead we wheeled her to the lobster tank. I can't begin to tell you how much my Mom LOVES lobster, just how rarely she got to eat it, and just how big of a deal this was. We surprised her by letting her pick out 4 live lobsters--one for each of us. She was so excited she carried them on her lap the whole way home, petting them, and talking to them, then giggled gleefully as she plunged them into the scalding water. :) It was an amazing Christmas.

I cherish those memories, as well as the memories of so many other Christmases. I still have so much to be thankful for. Because of God's amazing gift of His Son, that was not our last Christmas together. This is only intermission. There are an infinite number of days left to celebrate Jesus in His very presence in the place He's creating for us. That's an amazing reason to celebrate, if you ask me.

Today I could use your prayers, though. My heart hurts. I mean, it physically aches. I miss my Mom. Those days of Eternity just couldn't come soon enough sometimes.