Heritage

The photo book that I made for my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary arrived just over a week ago. I couldn't wait, so I gave it to them, even though their anniversary is still months away. They were so touched. It was definitely worth the many, many hours that I put into it.

I have to say that I am so blessed by my grandparents. I still have both of my Mom's parents and my Dad's mother in my life (my Dad's father has only been gone just over a year). I don't, for a single second, take for granted that not everyone gets to know their grandparents like this. Not only am I blessed by the opportunity to know and love them (and be loved by them), but I am just so very blessed by who they are. These are people who chose to live by faith and to live out God's will for their lives. I think we sometimes take for granted how the decisions of those who have gone before us affect us. But they really do. Because of their choices (and the choices of the generations before them), I am blessed with this incredible heritage of faith. It makes me want to work extra hard to seek God's will for my own life, knowing that the decisions that I make will not just affect me, but generations to come. I hope that I can leave half the legacy they're leaving for me.

Speaking of legacies, I'm remembering my Mom in a special way today. It's her birthday. She took such joy out of celebrating life, and birthdays were among her favourite celebrations. I very much wish I could be celebrating with her today. Someday...

Four Years

On Saturday I stood outside while it was raining. And the sun was shining. And there was a breathtakingly beautiful rainbow. I couldn't help but cry.

I've been contemplating this beauty ever since and I can't help but think about where I'm at right now...today. Today is four years since my Mom went Home.

I won't lie. In many ways, my heart is still very raw. Anyone who has walked this walk will understand that four years is not a long time at all. Tears are very close to the surface, not just today, but often. There really aren't words to express how much I miss her every single day.

I do need to express, though, that there's not only sadness. There's joy and blessings, as well. I can't help but see His faithfulness. He has brought me through the darkness and back out into the light. He has gifted me with amazing friends who feel like family, and family who feel like friends, who bless my socks off on a regular basis. He is continually teaching me more about who He is and how He loves me. And He has promised the very best promise that one day, not that far away, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4

It never fails to amaze me how God can bring sunshine and reminders of His faithfulness right in the midst of the storm.

I'm so grateful.

Here's What I've Been Working On...

Click here to view this photo book larger

The Heat

This extreme heat and I are not friends. First, my body just does not respond to the heat well. I often get migraines. As annoying as that is, it is even more difficult to deal with my second reason for not being a fan of the heat. It triggers memories of a similar heat wave that was taking place four years ago at this time. It's a painful reminder during an already painful time.

I remember the heat on a few specific days. July 23, 2007 was the last day my Mom went to dialysis. It was extremely hot. We stopped at Tim Hortons on the way home, as we usually did. My Mom ordered a small coffee with milk and 5 ice cubes. She loved her coffee, but didn't want it as hot that day. Go figure.

The morning of July 25, 2007 was so hot and humid that when I got out of the car at the hospital at 7:30 a.m., my glasses fogged up instantly. Minutes later, my Mom went Home.

On July 31, 2007 we said good-bye to Mom again and celebrated her life. I remember standing at the graveside with a strong, hot wind swirling the smell of her roses around me.

Needless to say, this heat is something that I could do without. But, I suppose heat has a place and purpose. I had an interesting, encouraging conversation with a wise friend of mine last week. She reminded me of the purpose of heat. I came across this devotion that expresses the thoughts that my friend shared with me:

Refining Silver

There was a group of woman in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter 3, they came across verse 3 which says:

"He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver..."

This verse puzzled the woman and they wondered what this statement means about the character and nature of God. One of the woman offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.

That week this woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for the interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot. Then she thought again about the verse, "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver...". She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. For if the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh thats the easy part, when I see my image reflected in it."

~Unknown Author

I take comfort in a few things when reflecting on the heat. I am thankful that God is holding me the entire time I'm walking through the tough times. I am thankful that He never takes His eyes off of me. I am thankful that at some point He will pluck me from the Heat. And most of all, I am thankful that this painful process is not in vain. I know that He is working to refine me. He is working to make Himself visible in me.

I want to encourage you to take comfort in God, the Refiner, as you walk through your own heat this week.

Archiving

I've always had an interest in family history. More specifically, I've always enjoyed hearing/seeing/learning about anything that involved my Mom. As kids, my brother and I spent a lot of time living at my grandparents' house (my Mom's parents) when my Mom was hospitalized. My Grandma would often tell stories about all the different places that they had lived, from Toronto to Winnipeg to Calgary. Along with the stories came the pictures, mostly in the form of slides. Some of my very favourite memories are of the times when my brother and I had an evening of viewing those slides with my grandparents. I loved seeing the pictures of my Mom's growing up years and just learning more about her life.

And so, it shouldn't be a surprise that it became important for me to archive these images. It has taken over a year, and not one, but TWO, pricey scanners to scan 1,176 slides. Not only have I scanned them, but I've also spent countless hours creating a movie out of all of these images. I am also in the process of creating a photo book for my grandparents as a gift for their 60th wedding anniversary this year (shh, don't tell them).

You'd think that I could stop there, but no...I now have decided that it is a good idea to scan ALL of the negatives from ALL of the photos from my growing up years. I'm not yet sure of just how crazy this is, but thankfully I'm not panicked about this project. I think I'll just work on it at a relaxed pace. It will definitely be nice to have all of those images digitalized, though.

At times through this process, I have had to examine my motives in devoting so many hours to preserving photos. I mean, is it really so important? I'm not sure that I have the answer to that, but it was all I could do not to cry the other day when I sat down with my grandparents to watch the finished movie version of their slides. It was an incredible gift to give them, knowing that they can just pop a disc in their DVD player anytime they want to reminisce and watch those precious images of days gone by. I also know that it means a tremendous amount to my brother. And of course, it means so very much to me. I can't wait for the day, God-willing, that I get to share these images and stories with my own children. I want them to be excited to meet my Mom someday. I know that I can hardly wait to see her again :)

Education

My diploma arrived in the mail this last week.

What diploma, you might ask? I've been asked many questions over the course of my studies, so let me clarify exactly what I've been working on for the past three years.

I've completed my Post-Baccalaureate Diploma of Education. Quite a mouthful, isn't it? It's a 30 credit hour program meant to be taken as professional development after a Bachelor of Education. It's not the same as a Masters Degree, but rather it can be viewed as pre-Masters work. This program can be tailored to fit your professional learning needs. I ended up taking courses in inclusive special education because, at first, those are the courses that fit into my schedule, and at the end, because they actually interested me. I earned my Post-Bacc, as well as my Special Education Teacher certificate from the province.

It doesn't mean a whole lot. I definitely know more than I did before. I will get a slight pay raise because completing my Post-Bacc puts me in a different salary classification. But ultimately it's a sizeable amount of work for rather moderate gains.

So why would I bother? Why should anyone else bother? Especially when a person is living their life with eternity in mind, knowing that this life is such a brief and passing thing. Why would it matter how much education I obtain when Heaven will be a restful, relaxing place where I won't need to know much?

There's a few fundamental beliefs that I hold that answer those questions for me. First, I believe that you don't lose any knowledge when you pass from this life into the next. Therefore, everything that I learn now will not disappear. Secondly, I don't believe that Heaven is just a relaxing, churchy, sing-along kind of place. I believe that God has great plans for us. He intends for us to inherit the Earth and to rule it along with Him. He has lots for us to do. I believe that all of the knowledge and wisdom that He gives us here and now are for purposes that only He can anticipate. That excites me :)

Of course, formal education isn't everything. God has a lot to teach us from His Word, our experiences, and the wisdom of others who have walked this path before us. All of these weave the tapestry of who we are, and who we are meant to be, not just now but forever...

I don't know if I'm done studying yet. I could take another Post-Bacc and I could also take my Masters. I'm going to take a bit of a break for me right now. I have to admit, though, that there's a small amount of panic inside of me. I don't like to be not busy. I started my Post-Bacc the summer after Mom was gone to help fill the time and being busy has been a wonderful coping mechanism of mine. The panic fades quickly though, because I know that God has a funny way of taking my "breaks" and filling them with other things. I'm okay with that. It's always exciting to see what He has planned next.

Oh and for the record, I'm pretty sure that my Mom is stinkin' proud of my accomplishment right now :)

Change

"Change alone is unchanging." ~Heraclitus

I've been wrestling with this concept of change for a while now. I've been waiting for the changes to slow down a bit before I blogged about them...waiting to wrap my mind around them. But I think I may be waiting for a long time, as I don't see the changes stopping anytime soon.

As I sat down to write about the changes in my life, I thought it was fitting to change the look of this blog. Hope you like it. Not all change is bad, you know :)

It's the beginning of my summer holidays. I'm attempting to wrap my head around the fact that it's been nearly 4 years since my Mom's been gone. 4 years. It doesn't really make sense to me. In many ways, it seems like just yesterday that she was here. It seems like just yesterday that we said goodbye. In other ways, it seems like an eternity since I've seen her last. Either way, there are still many fresh tears.

One of the main changes I've been experiencing has been the process of seeing my Dad move on. This process has been downright painful at times. No, make that excruciating. But he's engaged now to a very nice woman. There are reasons why it's difficult for me to be happy for him at times, but overall, God is speaking to me about forgiveness. I'm honestly trying with every fibre of my being to let go of past hurts and to move on with love. It's not only for his sake and the sake of my family, but most of all for me. I can't live with a "woe is me" mentality all the time. God gave up way too much for me. Because He is victorious, I am also victorious.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" ~John 16:33

My brother is also in a very serious dating relationship. In the next year, our entire family structure is bound to change greatly. I'm choosing to embrace these changes, knowing that even though they mark the end of something, they also mark a new beginning for all of us. I've never really had my own life and I'm looking forward to that prospect. I know that Mom would be very happy for me, as well.

I'm looking forward to some other changes in my life right now, as well. After 10 years as a classroom teacher, I have packed up my classroom and moved into an office. I have the opportunity to be a resource teacher. I have many mixed feelings about this, as I loved having my own class and the opportunity to form amazing relationships with kids. But, I know that God can use me in many different settings. I look forward to new challenges and to seeing just how He will put me to use for His purpose.

I find myself, at times, wishing that the next year would go by very quickly so that we could all just get on with things and not drag out this sometimes painful process of change. But, I know that God's timing is perfect. I really don't understand it at times (okay, I don't understand it often), but He has proven His faithfulness to me over and over. I don't for a second doubt it now.