Christmas Heartache

I figured I'd better post something about Christmas. People keep asking how I (we) are doing at this time of year. I'm having a hard time putting it into words, so it's been really difficult to think of stopping and trying to write about it. Never mind the fact that I've been so ridiculously busy that I've hardly had the chance to even think about any words to write. In some ways, that has been very helpful. I know that I have a habit of overworking myself in order to "escape", which has been working not too badly until last week. That's when I hit the wall. The meltdown started on Thursday and I'm still recovering. I have to say, it's definitely not as bad as last year, but it's still not great. I just couldn't bring myself to go to church today and sing those Christmas carols that she adored so much. Today we did our little family Christmas--unwrapped the gifts, had a special supper, and snacks. We did our best, but it's just not the same. She was absolutely our reason to celebrate--she loves Christmas, she loves giving gifts (and getting them, too), she loves the decorations, the lights, the food...everything. It was an absolute delight to do anything and everything we could to make Christmas special for her. We never once took for granted that it might be our last Christmas as a family. Our last Christmas together was so amazing. We had just moved into our house, not even a month before. Christmas Eve was a Sunday that year. I woke up really early to take her to dialysis, then came back to be up for worship. I remember getting ready for church that morning, and suddenly finding myself weeping uncontrollably. I remember getting down on my knees in the bathroom and thanking God for everything He had given us. He had given us so much that year...the amazing camping summer, and then, out of the blue, the chance to move to town. Most of all, He'd given us Mom and another Christmas together. It was so much more than I could have asked for. I will never forget it. We left church early to go pick Mom up from dialysis. We told her we didn't have plans about what we'd have for supper that day, but that we'd go to Superstore to find some food. She thought we'd pick up some pretty typical appetizer-type food, but instead we wheeled her to the lobster tank. I can't begin to tell you how much my Mom LOVES lobster, just how rarely she got to eat it, and just how big of a deal this was. We surprised her by letting her pick out 4 live lobsters--one for each of us. She was so excited she carried them on her lap the whole way home, petting them, and talking to them, then giggled gleefully as she plunged them into the scalding water. :) It was an amazing Christmas.

I cherish those memories, as well as the memories of so many other Christmases. I still have so much to be thankful for. Because of God's amazing gift of His Son, that was not our last Christmas together. This is only intermission. There are an infinite number of days left to celebrate Jesus in His very presence in the place He's creating for us. That's an amazing reason to celebrate, if you ask me.

Today I could use your prayers, though. My heart hurts. I mean, it physically aches. I miss my Mom. Those days of Eternity just couldn't come soon enough sometimes.

Step of Faith

November 20th, 1994 was the day I was baptized. Hard to believe it's been 14 years. I don't often sit and contemplate what that day meant to me. When I was baptized, it was alongside many of my friends. I knew that it was something that I wanted to do, and that God wanted me to do, but I was also worried that I was just doing it to go along with everyone else. Still, I took the step of faith and did it. And it did mean a tremendous amount to me. I was the only one who cried the ugly cry through reading their testimony. Seriously. It was ugly. But that's okay. I know it came from my heart, and it reflected the fact that life was difficult for our family at that point already. I so wanted to commit my life to Christ.

Sometimes you just wonder, though--was this God's timing, or my own? I am always so blessed when I find confirmation of God's timing. Quite some time after I'd been baptized, I was reading through my Grandma's big family Bible. It's one of those Bibles where you can record important family dates. There was her date of baptism--November 20th, 1949. Same date, and the last two digits of the year were just reversed. Pretty cool, huh? She had completely forgotten the date of her baptism, so it came as a surprise to her, too.

As much as I knew I'd done the right thing at the right time deep down in my heart, there is something about having a seriously cool God moment that just makes it all kind of come together.

I always find it interesting how God can confirm His will in our lives. Sometimes when we pray to know His will, I believe He can answer before we have to make a decision. But I believe that sometimes He requires that we just take that step of faith, and He will later confirm His will. Sometimes we know what the right thing is, and we just have to let go, trust Him, and do it, as scary as it may be. I pray that I will be ready, willing, and able to take those steps of faith when He calls.

Whatever You're Doing

I added a new song to my playlist for your listening pleasure. :)

Whatever You're Doing
(Sanctus Real)

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything
I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This *is* something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time *to* breathe in and let everything out

Pain Journey

I took a pain journey this weekend. It wasn't intentional, it just sort of happened. Okay, while I say it just happened, I'm pretty sure that it was God's plan for my weekend all along. I purchased the book Glimpses of Heaven by Trudy Harris, and then proceeded to read nearly the entire thing. The author was a hospice nurse for many years and had many, many experieces with dying patients who had glimpses of Heaven in one form or another in the time near to their death. I am fascinated by the topic, as I have several personal examples to draw on, so I thought it would be an interesting read. It is, in fact, an incredibly interesting book. However, I don't think that I realized how personally it would affect me.

When someone grieves, they feel a range of very "normal" emotions. One of those is guilt. I have definitely experienced that one. There are so many ways that God has shown us that it was His time for my Mom to go, and that He took her in the way that was best, but there is this part of me that is wracked by guilt that I didn't see it coming. I just feel like I would have said things and done things differently. And while I know it all doesn't matter now, and we did everything we knew to do, it still haunts me.

Reading this book has caused me to revisit those last days, hours, and minutes. It has been incredibly difficult. I haved cried myself sick. I cried so hard last night, that I had to take gravol to sleep, woke up with hugely puffy eyes and a migraine, cried my way through church, came home, read some more, cried some more, and then slept remarkably peacefully this afternoon. In many ways, it was devastating to read the stories of dying people, and what they and their families experienced. In other ways, it brought an immense amount of comfort to know that these things are "normal" and experienced by other people, as well. While none of these experiences are exactly how my Mom died (I think that most people's journeys are different), there were certain aspects that I entirely related to.

I think this book kind of helped to "connect some of the dots" for me. For example, one of the stories in the book is about an elderly man who just wasn't able to let go. The nurse recognized that the man was waiting for "permission" to die. The man's son came in and told him that it was okay to go, and he died shortly after. I had a very similar experience with my Mom, but it happened a few months before she passed away. I felt like my Mom had held on for years because of her kids. She was incredibly, incredibly worried about leaving us. She was our world, and we were hers. I knew that it was important for me to tell her that it would be okay for her to go, and it had been on my heart to do so for some time. One night we were talking in her room. She was telling me how tired she was. Chokingly, I told her that I didn't know how, but somehow we'd be okay, and when she needed to leave, she should just go. A few days before she passed away, she also made her parents promise that they would take care of us if we needed anything. I think the road was paved.

Here's where some dots were connected. I felt guilt over not having been able to say goodbye, because I really didn't know that that was her time to go. But, I realized that it's okay because she didn't need to stay. She knew I loved her, and I knew she loved me. I had told her it was okay to go, and so she went. I had meant what I said to her, and I know it was what she needed.

Yikes, I wish I could stop crying. If you're still reading this, you're probably crying, too. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't keep reading anywhere past the talk of death. It's not an easy subject. You're probably asking yourself why I would subject myself to this kind of thing, anyway? I mean, why read a book that you know is going to make you cry, and why keep reading it when you realize just how difficult it's going to be? Good question. I'm not entirely sure that I know the answer, but I know that God does. He has a purpose for me to experience this, and to deal with some of my feelings, no matter how much it hurts. It is definitely better to experience the pain, and deal with it, than to lock it away and pretend it doesn't exist.

Okay, here's the real kicker. As if my little pain journey wasn't God-directed enough in and of itself, my friend Kristy was prompted by the Holy Spirit to email me a portion of a book she was reading yesterday. It's from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet.

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears."

Pretty incredible, isn't it? I received that email yesterday just before I really got into the book. I knew they were words that spoke right to my heart, but I didn't realize just how perfect they were until I started reading the book last night. It never fails to amaze me how the Holy Spirit guides and directs us, and even connects us.

This weekend has been a difficult one. And it's not quite over yet. I'm heading back upstairs to try to finish reading the book, while subjecting myself to more pain. :) I do know it's not in vain, though. The journey of pain brings healing.

Brokenhearted

Okay, it's been a while. I just can't bring myself here everyday. By "here" I don't mean just to the computer...that I can do...but to the point of being able to put some thoughts down. I think about it a lot. But I think that's part of the problem. I am always thinking about what to write and the thought is rarely complete. Even when I do decide what to write, it's usually still a work in progress. Which is me, I guess...a work in progress.

So here's what the work in progress has been thinking about lately...being brokenhearted. I am thankful that no guy has ever broken my heart (not yet, anyway). But, for all that I have to compare it to, this kind of profound loss has resulted in my heart being just about as broken as I could ever wish it to be. I do see many measures of healing for which I am extremely grateful, but the strange thing is that I don't think that it will ever completely heal. I think that's actually the point. Just when I become confident that things are going really well, something hits that takes me right back to the worst moments. I think that God may allow us to revisit those darkest moments of grief to keep the wound slightly open.

I actually believe that there is a lot to be gained by living through the brokenness. I believe that when our hearts have been broken to ourselves and our selfish desires, we can experience brokenness towards others. It allows us to relate to the suffering of others, and to inspire us to do something about it. God wants our hearts to break for the things that break His heart.

I can relate this to many aspects of my life, but for a specific example, I can relate this to my work. It's not just a job. I know that God has called me to do this. It becomes clearer and clearer to me everyday. It is so amazing to make a difference in the life of a child. And I'm not just talking about teaching them math or how to read. Of course, those things make a difference, too. But it's about seeing them as God's children, created in His image, and seeing how He wants them to be loved. And then *trying* to do that everyday. God has broken my heart for so many kids over the years. I have honestly cried many tears over them. How amazing that God has put me in this position to be able to invest in their little lives.

I have to ask myself--would I be the same person, and in the same position to love these kids, without the brokenness? I'm pretty sure the answer is no. And that's okay by me. I believe that brokenness can actually crack open hardened hearts and give them a greater capacity to love. Broken heart=potentially more love? Sounds strange, doesn't it? Like I said...work in progress... :)

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Thankful

I've been contemplating what to write all weekend because, honestly, I've been finding it a bit difficult to be completely thankful this Thanksgiving. On one hand, I feel like I have every right to feel that way. It really sucks to go to family gatherings and have that empty spot at the table--to know that this is reality--treasured holidays spent without the one who treasured them the most. I sat there thinking how much she would have loved the food, especially the pumpkin pie. She appreciated those things so very much and it's hard to appreciate them as much without her. It has been a difficult weekend with many tears.

But on the other hand, I do realize that I have ridiculously many things to be thankful for. I could sit here and make a list, but then I'd never get to bed. I don't want to take for granted that my daily physical needs are more than just met--there is always more than enough. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends. And even if all that were taken away, I would still have the most important thing of all--my Jesus. For that, I am truly thankful.

I just have to share this photo today. It's one of my favorite photos. It was taken on my Mom's 50th birthday as we were out for lunch at one of our favorite places. It reminds me of the many memories that I hold close in my heart, and it makes me incredibly thankful that there are many more memories to be made in the future. : )

In Light of Eternity

It's been nearly a week since we started the Heaven Bible study. I think it went well--there were six people in attendance. There's lots more room, if anyone else wants to join us.

I realize that I could possibly be considered "fanatical" about the topic, but if I'm going to be fanatical about anything, I'm happy to say that it's about my Jesus and the hope that He gives. I also realize that the Heaven book may not mean the same thing to everyone else as it does to me, but I won't let that diminish what it means to me. I can't begin to tell you the hope that it has given me. It means so much to me to understand what Scripture says about the place where I will spend eternity...with a God who loves me unconditionally...enough to DIE for me...and with my sweet Mom. It's the hope for an absolutely amazing future. And I'm not ashamed to say that it's a hope that has pulled me through (and continues to pull me through) the darkest time in my life.

It's my joy and honor to be able to share that with others. What they choose to gain from it is entirely up to them. My hope, however, is that others will get excited about Heaven, as well, to the point where it actually affects how we live our daily lives. My hope is that we can all live our lives in light of eternity.

*By the way, there is an amazing new Jeremy Camp song (not officially released yet) called There Will Be a Day. Click the title, and you can view the song on YouTube.

A Spectacular Day

Sometimes God chooses to bless us in small ways and sometimes also in big ways. I experienced one of those big ways yesterday (at least it was big in my world). Last school year I entered a book contest with my students. As a class, we wrote a book about what kids imagine goes on in the staff room. We spent countless hours writing, and even more hours creating elaborate illustrations. We felt it was good (and funny), but we also knew that we were competing against other entries across Canada (80 to be exact).

It was a wonderful day last spring when I received the phone call. The judges had unanimously voted for our book to be the grand prize winner. It was going to be published and available at the Scholastic book fairs across Canada. The kids were each going to receive a copy of the book, a t-shirt, and a medal. The school would receive $1000 and a certificate.

Yesterday, after months of preparations, the day of the ceremony arrived. The prizes in and of themselves were amazing enough, but the recognition we received was quite unexpected. In attendance at the ceremony, we had the Lieutenant Governor of the province, a representative for the Minister of Education, our local MLA, the local Reeve, the Superintendent, and Scholastic Reps (and those were just the ones who spoke). We also received greetings via letter from the Governor General of Canada and the Prime Minister. Then there was the Media! We were on two different news programs, on the radio, on the internet, and in the newspaper. Unbelievable!

I think my feet have finally landed back on the ground today. You know, it's interesting. It's not like this is an award that may have a lot of value in God's eyes. I think what may matter to Him is that it was an amazing gift to the kids--something that will stick with them forever. I'm just humbled to have been used by Him in this way.

I also believe that sometimes He chooses to bless us in ways that surprise us, just because He delights in seeing us smile. : )

It's not the best picture in the world, but just know that I'm pretty much losing it right here (unbelievably enough, I was receiving a standing ovation at this point).

The New "Normal"

It's been a roller coaster week. In so many ways, I've been blessed by friends and family. I had a "surprise" birthday party last night, and spent even more time with friends and family today. Overall, it was great. But, when no one but my immediate family has been looking...I've pretty much been a mess.

I think the crying started Wednesday night after worship practice. I kept it together the whole time (pretty proud of myself, actually), but then I completely lost it on the way home. It hit me that I was no longer expecting to see Mom's bedroom light on when I came home. We had only lived with Mom in the new house for eight months, but they were wonderful times filled with establishing new family routines. The new house has been such a blessing in so many ways, but one of the biggest blessings was that Mom was able to have her own room. It was the gathering place for all of us every night. Sometimes one by one, and sometimes all at a time, we would gather in her room...watch a little tv, check our email (that was the temporary place we had set up the computer), or just sit on her big chair and chat. I would so love to see that warm glow of light coming from her room as I came home from worship practice. It was really difficult the first few times after she passed away, to come home and not see it on, and to know that she wasn't waiting for me. That's why it hit me so hard this week. I realized that I was no longer even thinking about seeing her light on when I came home. I couldn't help but wonder...when did this become NORMAL?

When she died, I felt so paralyzed. I had no idea what to do next. I had never lived a single day without her in my life...never taken a single breath without her here. Everything was new and foreign. Every single thing was a first...the first time I brushed my teeth without her here, the first time I took a shower...and on and on. And yet somehow...somewhere along the line...I've become USED to life without her??? It's just beyond my comprehension.

Most people have said to us that the first year is the hardest, because it's filled with a million firsts. In many ways, I completely agree. So incredibly difficult. But, after we had reached that one year mark, someone said to us that in many other ways the second year is more difficult. It's the year that reality sets in.

I think I'm experiencing that and I have to tell you, I don't really like it. I don't like the fact that I could ever get used to life without my dear Mom. I am constantly transported back to the day she left, and the time before and after. It seems like just a moment ago. I don't know how I've come to this place. The place where I'm getting used to the fact that she's not here day after day. The place where she's not here to celebrate birthdays. I did, in fact, have a really nice birthday, filled with more than I need or deserve. But there's still an empty spot that just can't be filled tonight. More than anything, I just wanted my Mom. My very best birthday memories are of times when things were kept low key. Mom and I would go out for supper and shopping. That's it. So simple. So perfect. Those are precious memories that I cherish.

Mom had this little prayer that she copied down on a sticky note (she loved sticky notes) and kept it close to her bed. I have it tucked away in my Bible now. It's strangely fitting, and I would like to think of it as Mom's birthday wish for me.

Dear Lord,
Let me not dwell in the memories of my past, but help me to face the future with expectation and courage, eager to find the blessings You have planned for me there.
Amen

As I struggle tonight with defining "normal" in my life, I am reminded that the only constant in all of this is my Jesus. He "is the same yesterday and today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8). I don't know where the future is taking me. I don't know what God has planned for me to accomplish. I don't know in what other ways he will challenge my definition of "normal." But it will change. As scary as that is, I can't stop it. The only thing that I can do is to try to seek out the blessings in the changes. I know they are there, and I know that it's what Mom would want for me.

Reason to Smile

Just wanted to share my reason to smile today. Okay, I guess it's two reasons. The first reason is that it's my Dad's birthday. It's kind of a big one, too. Not big by most people's standards, but by our family's standards, it's definitely a big one. Today is the day that my Dad finally became older than my Mom. Sound strange? Allow me to explain. My Mom was a year older than my Dad. He always teased her about being older. She died at 53. Today Dad turned 54. I can just imagine the enormous grin on Mom's face and almost hear the laugh that brought me so much joy just to hear it. That definitely makes me smile.

Reason number two is that the farm is officially SOLD as of today. I can't tell you what a relief it is after all of our hard work and waiting. It's kind of strange in a lot of ways, too. Thankfully we have had so much closure along the way, and a very definite assurance that God has placed us exactly where He wants us. It will be so wonderful to have our lives contained in one place. This news was an amazing birthday gift for Dad.

I'm liking this post. There were big reasons to smile today, but God graciously gives me many reasons to smile everyday. I just think it's sometimes easy to take them for granted, and to take for granted where they come from. If He's given you a reason to smile today, why don't you share it with me? I'd love to hear it. : )

Letting Go of the Why's

There's a lot on my mind tonight, and I'm having a hard time gathering my thoughts. I don't know if it seems this way to you, but it seems to me that there is more and more suffering in the world all the time. It seems like everyone that I know is being impacted by some sort of difficult circumstance. I don't think it's just a perception, either--I believe that things really will become more difficult and that there will be more suffering as we get closer and closer to the End of the Age. In Matthew 24, Jesus talks about the signs of the End of the Age, and he says that "All these are the beginning of birth pains" (verse 8). It's a fascinating analogy, really. Of course, labor pains become stronger and stronger, and more and more painful, but they lead to something really beautiful. It's the same for the things we are going through right now. It is indeed quite possible that more and more sickness and tragedy will befall us as we are getting closer and closer to the End. Thankfully, as believers, we have the unwavering hope that the most amazingly beautiful thing will come out of all of this...being with our loving Creator in the place He is creating for us.

In the meantime, it's sometimes difficult to deal with the "why's" of all of this. I don't pretend to have the answers. In my situation, I can see a lot of good that has come out of my Mom's life, and even her death. But I don't pretend for a single second to understand Why. Because it is fundamentally unfair. I miss her and I want her here with me. Plain and simple.

God has really been speaking to me about this whole Why topic lately. I love my Women's Devotional Bible. I would never claim to be the most diligent at reading it, but I do try, and when I take the time to open it, God never fails to amaze me at how He can speak to me through those words--both the Scriptures and the accompanying devotions. I was trying to find the one that I had wanted to reference in this post, and I just stumbled across another one.

If you have the same Bible, it's on page 576.

In the late 1800's Mrs. Louisa M.R. Stead watched as her husband died while trying to save a drowning boy. This familiar hymn was written as a response to her struggle with the "why?"questions she asked God during that difficult time.

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word,
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know, "Thus saith the Lord."

I'm so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

~Louisa MR. Stead

We're certainly not the first generation to be hurting. And unless the Lord returns soon, we certainly won't be the last.

The devotion that I was trying to find is on p. 218 of the Women's Devotional Bible. It's, very fittingly, called Our Why Questions and was written by Mary Jane Worden. She has this amazing line that really hit home for me:

Sometimes when we ask God our Why questions, instead of giving us answers He gives us Himself, the Comforter.

I don't have many Why answers, but I do have Him. I have way more of Him than if I hadn't wanted to ask the Why's. And you know what? For today, it's enough. He is always more than enough. We need to be asking for the grace to work at letting Him be our everything. We need to go against society's view that we need to be tough and independent, and learn how to lean. There's no better feeling than to know you're being held by Him.


*By the way, I encourage you to take the time to check out Randy Alcorn's blog called Eternal Perspectives. His post today called Video of Elizabeth Wall: Way Bigger than her Cystic Fibrosis is well worth checking out.*

Back to the Grind

If you're one of the few who has been following my blog, you will have likely noticed my very obvious absence this past week. That is, of course, because I am back to the grind.

Back to work for another school year, as well as what seems like a thousand other commitments. They are all very good things that I am committed to, so I really hope to be able to give adequate attention to each.

It has been a really intense, emotional week. It was hard to begin another school year without Mom seeing me off to school on the first day. And I've really been stressing myself out about this entire upcoming school year. To top it off, every night this past week my Dad and I were painting in the farm house to help the selling process move along a little faster. It was demanding both physically and emotionally, with having to spend so many hours in the place I grew up, filled with many memories. I was definitely burning the candle at both ends, and not looking after myself the way I should.

This weekend has been a bit of a recovery time. I haven't been pushing myself too hard, although there's many things that I should be doing. I don't know if you ever feel like you're being given "extra hours," but that's what it has felt like so far this weekend. Friday night and all day Saturday have felt really long, like I'm being gifted with extra time. While of course, that's not possible, I'm just thanking my sweet Jesus for giving me a few peaceful moments. I have more to accomplish tomorrow after church, as well, but I have a feeling that God will keep me fairly relaxed about them, too, while helping me get done what I need to.

I know God is reassuring me that I will be able to make it through...not of my own strength, but only because I have Him to lean on. It never fails to amaze me how He really does give strength to do the things that He asks us to do. So, this next week, as I'm settling into the routine of another year, I'm going to be working on giving it over to Him. I'm also trying to keep my eyes on the bigger picture, as each day brings me closer to Home.

Choices

Do you ever feel that you get caught up in yourself? I sure do. Don't get me wrong--there are times when I think it's entirely okay. There are times when you really don't have anything to give to anyone else. I've been there. But sometimes I think I get stuck there.

Sometimes I have to force myself to do things for others. It's amazing, though--once you take that step, put in some extra effort, and do something for someone else--that's when you can actually feel a sense of accomplishment and purpose.

I didn't have a normal childhood. I was learning to cook and clean around 10 years old. My brother and I bounced back and forth between our home and our grandparents' home. We lived in constant fear and uncertainty of what the future held for my Mom's health. I never once begrudged my Mom, though. I love her so much, I would do anything for her, and our experiences gave us a close relationship that I would never trade for the world. But, it was still unfair. There were many days when I really didn't want to do the dishes or cook supper. I just wanted to be a normal kid.

I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but there came a time when the Lord spoke to me through this verse, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me" (Matthew 25:40, NIV). That was a defining moment in my faith. God showed me that He was calling me to serve Him by serving my family. For me, it wasn't about going out into a foreign mission field. It was about doing the dishes, the laundry, cooking supper, and just being there for my Mom in whatever big or little way that she needed me. That being said, it doesn't mean that I had a perfect attitude every day, but it sure made it easier.

I believe that we need to have that attitude when given the little opportunities every day. God has so many serving opportunities that are right in front of us--part of our daily choices. And yes, it often does take extra effort, and sometimes an attitude check. But it can be as simple as a phone call, an encouraging email, a visit, or bringing food to someone who needs it. If we have the attitude that we are not only helping another person, but serving our gracious Lord, it can make all the difference.

The other thing to keep in mind is that you never really know the scope of your influence. What may seem like a simple action can have a profound ripple effect. I look forward to chatting with God someday and finding out how my simple choices have ultimately affected God's Kingdom. However, as my wise friend Sherri H. pointed out to me tonight, it would be equally as scary to find out how something that I COULD have done, but didn't, may have had a negative effect. I'm sure that God will point out those missed opportunities, as well.

I'm so far from perfect in this department, but I really want to work at making it not all about me. In a perfect world, I would wake up every day and ask God what I could do for him that day. Since I'm not perfect, I'm taking it one day at a time, and working at making those choices. I just don't think that we should ever underestimate the value of our "simple" acts for others. Those ripples will echo into eternity.

The Shore

The topic of Heaven is something that I'm really passionate about. And it's not just a grief thing. I believe it's something that every Christian should be passionate about. Randy Alcorn suggests that it's like planning a trip to Disneyworld. You would put a lot of planning into such a trip. Well, Heaven is going to be the greatest adventure of our lives, and yet most of us are not planning for it, we're not talking about it, and many of us are not even looking forward to it.

God willing, I may have the chance to lead a Bible study on Heaven this fall. I'm super excited about it, yet nervous, as well. In many ways, I feel so inadequate to lead something like this. And yet I know that God can take us and use us right where we are. I have been so, so blessed by learning more about Heaven, that it would be selfish of me not to share this. It's such an amazing hope!

I want to share with you a passage from the introduction of the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn (p. xx). They are some of my favorite words from the book (okay, I admit, I have many other favorites, too). I hope they help fuel your desire to get into this book.

Seeing the Shore

Perhaps you've come to this book burdened, discouraged, depressed, or even traumatized. Perhaps your deams--your marriage, career, or ambitions--have crumbled. Perhaps you've become cynical or have lost hope. A biblical understanding of the truth about Heaven can change all that.

In 1952, young Florence Chadwick stepped into the waters of the Pacific Ocean off Catalina Island, determined to swim to the shore of mainland California. She'd already been the first woman to swim the English Channel both ways. The weather was foggy and chilly; she could hardly see the boats accompanying her. Still, she swam for fifteen hours. When she begged to be taken out of the water along the way, her mother, in a boat alongside, told her she was close and that she could make it. Finally, physically and emotionally exhausted, she stopped swimming and was pulled out. It wasn't until she was on the boat that she discovered the shore was less than half a mile away. At a news conference the next day she said, "All I could see was the fog...I think if I could have seen the shore, I would have made it."

Consider her words: "I think if I could have seen the shore, I would have made it." For believers, that shore is Jesus and being with him in the place that he promised to prepare for us, where we will live with him forever. The shore we should look for is that of the New Earth. If we can see through the fog and picture our eternal home in our mind's eye, it will comfort and energize us.

If you're weary and don't know how you can keep going, I pray this book will give you vision, encouragement, and hope. No matter how tough life gets, ifyou can see the shore and draw your strength from Christ, you'll make it.

I pray this book will help you see the shore.

The Little Things

Yesterday I had the pleasure of spending the afternoon out for coffee with my Mama, and my Mom's two best friends. One of the strange things that happen to you when you lose someone so close to you, is that you lose your connection to other people, like you Mom's friends, who were also very important in your own life. Thankfully, these are two of the truest friends anyone could ever hope for, and they have not just walked out of my life like they could have. We still get together at least twice a year so far.

Another interesting, but very sad, thing is that both of these women have also experienced their own profound losses within the past year. As if we didn't have enough in common from loving my Mom, we now have grief in common.

So, we sat there and cried and just enjoyed each other's company. I could so imagine my Mom in that circle with us. She loved, loved, loved going out for coffee or supper with her friends. I don't love restaurants the way Mom does, but these two friends were so amazing and frequently took her out. Whether they realize it or not, it was such a ministry of love to her.

I really enjoyed sitting and having the opportunity to reflect on Mom in the presence of others who truly understood her, and looked past the medical paraphernalia. They saw the person she was--so full of life and love. Mom, to the very end, was so very concerned about her friends. We were all anticipating their losses, without realizing that Mom would leave us soonest. Mom always gave so much love and support to her friends in their own situations, even though she was facing her own immense challenges.

One of the things that strikes all of us about Mom is how she enjoyed and appreciated the little things in life. I mean really, I have never met anyone in my whole life who was so easy to please. About a week ago, I asked Mama if she was always like this and she said yes. Mom was always so appreciative of a good meal and the smallest little gifts anyone would ever give to her. I think that some of that was heightened, though, as she became ill over the years. So many big things were taken from her, one by one, that I believe she gained a profound appreciation for the little things.

She loved Christmas lights, going for a drive and sightseeing, fireflies, the song of birds--especially the mourning dove, blooming flowers, magazines, doing crafts, sticky notes, fancy Kleenex, pens, the little Pepsi cans, anything miniature and cute, jewellery, anything shiny or sparkly, clothes, shoes, purses, recipes (or as she called them after her stroke--repicees), Tim Hortons, stuffed animals, angels, music boxes, desserts, music, her kids, her family, her friends, good food--the list could go on and on. Even the last meal I made for her, she oohed and aahed over, even though it was nothing spectacular. It was just so much fun to do things for her, and to give things to her.

And you know, it wasn't about materialism at all. There's a fabulous quote by Van Gogh, "The way to know life is to love many things." She really knew how to live. Life isn't about sitting around and waiting for the big things, because while the big things may be really great, they constitute such a small percentage of our actual lifetime. There's so many other days where nothing big will ever happen. We are given such few days here and now. We really need to stop and appreciate those little things, because we have been given SO much, all from the hand of God. And it is much more than we deserve.

I wish I was better at appreciating the little things. I tend to get wrapped up in the stress of everyday pressures. But Mom taught me so many important lessons about the little things. And I do not regret a single thing that I gave to my Mom--whether it was a tangible object, or the gift of my time. They are all precious memories that I cherish.

It's my daily resolve to try to live more like my Mom, appreciating one moment at a time, and each little thing that we take for granted. I know I'm not the only one who needs to work on this. I encourage you to take some time this weekend to step away from something you think you need to do, and to do something that really matters, like investing time in the life of someone you love. Life can change in an instant. You really won't regret the little things.

Blessings in the Valley

I am always so blessed by worship practice. It's one of those things that can be difficult to get myself to for one reason or another, but when I'm there, and after, I just feel so blessed to have had that worship time. It certainly doesn't hurt that when I'm there, I'm surrounded by some of the most supportive friends anyone could ever have. : )

It can also be a really difficult time emotionally. Thankfully I kept myself together tonight, but that is certainly not always the case. Also thankfully, I know that I am free to let the emotions flow (thanks again, ladies). And if I'm truly worshipping, and truly singing those words to God, it can be difficult, because those words, though I believe them, can sometimes be hard to say. It's kind of like prayer. It's hard to really commit to giving things over to Him.

Of course, there's lots of encouragement that comes from worship, as well. It never fails to amaze me how certain lyrics can strike me on a particular day, in a different way than they ever had before.

For example, we sang the song Find Me in the River tonight. I've always loved the song and been touched by it, but tonight this particular line struck me: "But if the blessing's in the valley, then in the river I will wait."

God has a funny way of putting bits and pieces together. I've been thinking a lot about Psalm 23 lately. It's a passage that I was literally forced to learn as a young child, and so it's never been my favorite. And yet it keeps coming back to me, and ties into the song lyrics.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
For You are with me;
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Such amazing words. There is so, so much I could say about this passage, but at some point I have realized that I have been walking through the valley of the shadow of death this past year. The valley. The blessing is in the valley. Do you believe that? I really do. I wouldn't wish for anyone to experience the shadow of death on their lives, but as difficult as it has been, is, and continues to be, I have been blessed. I have a new appreciation for grief, and can better relate to others with similar experiences. It gives me a platform to be able to share my experiences, and to have others take me seriously. I have been given such a gift from God in being able to learn more about Heaven, as well. I would never have chosen this, but I can actually find thankfulness in my heart for having this experience.

Whatever the valley is that you may be walking through right now, I want to encourage you that there is blessing to be found. There's things to learn about God and His abundant mercy. There's appreciation to be gained for all that He has indeed blessed us with. And there's also eternal reward to be gained. For God wants us to store up treasure in Heaven. It is tempting to seek recognition here and now, because he has created us to desire recognition. Be assured, however, that what we do humbly in His name, and the things we endure in the valley will, without a doubt, be rewarded from God's own hand when we finally get Home. Those desires will be completely fulfilled and the blessings will flow abundantly. With no more valley. Isn't that exciting? I hope it's enough to get you through another day.

Celebrating Mom

Today is Mom's birthday. My heart is very heavy. There are no words to express how much I miss her. She has always loved birthdays and I just wish that I could celebrate with her today.

But because I can't, I thought that I would take a few moments to celebrate a bit of who she is. Notice, by the way, that I usually use the present tense when referring to her. My Mom has never stopped being--not even for a second--and she will BE for all eternity. I see no need to refer to her in the past, as if she no longer exists. She is just no longer here.

One of the things that I have grieved is the idea that people won't get to know who my Mom is. If I make new friends, I can't introduce them to her. And I just want so badly for people to know her, and love her, as I do. She is just so wonderful. Thankfully, I am confident that if you know my Jesus, you will get to know my Mom, as well. In fact, we have all eternity to get to know those that we ran out of time with now. Isn't that amazing?

In the meantime, I can give you a brief picture of who she is. She is one of the most stubborn and determined people I have ever met, in the very best way possible. Spunky is a wonderful adjective to describe her. For all the pain and suffering she endured, many were not aware of what she really went through. She nearly always had a smile on her face (I can't wait to see the size of the smile in Heaven). She always focused on the needs of others above her own. I ran into one of her dialysis nurses a few months after she died, and she told me that the last time she had worked with Mom was while she was pregnant. Mom was way more concerned about this nurse overworking herself in taking care of her, than she was with her own care. That is Mom. She made little care packages for the nurses. Every Christmas, she made ornaments for the people who took care of her. She is an amazing prayer warrior--IS--her prayers are now being spoken in God's very presence. She never wanted people to have to be burdened to take care of her, so she would try to be independent to the extreme, even though we loved to help. Even in her final months, she was reclaiming tasks that she had long needed help with. She loved to surprise me by coming home to a cooked meal. I was always so annoyed with this, because she tired herself unnecessarily, but she so needed to show her love to us. Of course, we know how much she loves us. That's why my heart aches so badly and I can't stop the ugly cry as I'm typing.

One of the interesting things that I have learned from reading the Heaven book is that in eternity, as part of live on the resurrected Earth, we will work. Sounds foreign, doesn't it? We so often think of Heaven as just a place of rest. But if you think about it, we feel most fulfilled when we have meaningful things to accomplish in our lives. God has work planned for us in eternity, as well. Work that will always be joyful and fulfilling, giving glory to God.

I can't wait to see what He has planned for Mom to do. I am sure He will say to her, "Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your Lord" (Matthew 25:23, NKJV). My Mom's heart is enormous, her perseverance is astounding, and with a resurrected, healthy body, she will be so ready! He has so much planned for her, and for us, too.

For today, though, I hope that my Mom is having a restful birthday. It's her second one now in the presence of God. I hope her joy overflows.

Thank God, there will be more birthdays to celebrate than I can possibly count.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Home

Well, I finally finished reading "it" yesterday. If you don't know the "it" that I'm referring to, it's the book called Heaven by Randy Alcorn. You've likely heard me, at the very least, mention is sometime over the last year, if not practically preach a sermon about it. Lindsay jokingly said to me on Sunday that I should have shares in the book. It would be so true if what I desired out of sharing about this book was financial gain, but it has truly impacted my life in such a monumental way that I can't help but talk about it.

The first time I heard about the book was the day of my Mom's funeral. My Uncle had come over to visit. His wife had passed away from cancer just about exactly two months earlier. My Aunt was very well-versed in Scripture, and had read many non-fiction Christian books. This book was one that she had read and clung to in her last months. It was highly, highly recommended by her, and by my Uncle as well.

I didn't read it right away. But, I soon needed something to cling to myself. My heart ached for my Mom, and I was dealing with many aspects of grief, including grieving the missed future opportunities that had been taken from us. I needed a piece of hope. I didn't feel that the Bible spoke a lot about Heaven, and certainly had not heard many messages about the topic preached from the pulpit. I was interested as to what Randy Alcorn would have to say.

At this point, I should mention that Dr. Randy Alcorn has a degree in theology and biblical studies. He served as a pastor for fourteen years before founding Eternal Perspective Ministries. He has researched the subject of Heaven for over twenty-five years. He has revised his book several times when he has been met with criticism that he can find Scriptural basis to agree with. But, he is quick to point out that just because we haven't been taught something before, does not mean that it's not true (please read the book for more on his position).

So, I bought the book. I also bought this little "leaflet" that had 10 common questions about the topic of Heaven. It was a very, very condensed version of what was in the Heaven book. I sat down and read the little leaflet right away. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. It put Heaven into such a real context that I was blown away. I quickly shared this with Mama and Pops as well (my grandparents). Mama, being understandingly cautious, read the leaflet much more carefully than I did, pausing to look up every single Scriptural reference. She has read the Bible many times through, and was shocked, as well. She was amazed at how much the Scriptures actually do say about Heaven, but it was just something she had never taken from those Scriptures before. I'm telling you, I was hooked, and I CRAVED more (the way it should be with God's word, yet so often isn't).

I started reading the big Heaven book (it's nearly 500 pages), and felt so overwhelmingly that God was speaking to me--that he was pouring out His promises to me. It was just filled with so, so much information that my heart longed for. It has been a really slow read--partially because it's so intense. There's so much information that I could only digest a little bit at a time. I think I also took my time with it because I didn't want it to end (now that I'm done, I'll just start right back at the beginning again). The rest of my family soon wanted to read it, too, but I just couldn't give it up, so I had to go and buy them each a copy, as well. Plus, I soon began to highlight and underline all over the place. There was just so much I didn't want to forget!

I want to be clear, though, that it's not about the book, it's not about the author, it's about God and His promises to me--the hope of a future beyond my wildest imagination. That's the whole thing, though--we are supposed to imagine Heaven, but for some reason, we aren't. Randy Alcorn presents the theory of Christoplatonism--the idea that we have spiritualized Heaven to the point where we actually believe that existing in a physical place is inherently evil. Think of the way the media portrays Heaven. It's all about fluffly clouds and an eternal church service in the sky. No wonder so many Christians are not looking forward to Heaven, and why they are scared of the idea of "forever." This is so totally not what God has planned. I have so much more to say about this, but I will try to be brief for today. My Mom is currently in the intermediate Heaven--a place that the Bible doesn't speak a great deal about, but I know that she is in God's presence, she is free of pain, and infinitely full of joy. She is resting right now. But God is planning more than that. See, He had a plan for creation at the beginning that included Him living in our presence (think of Eden). Of course, sin entered our world, and we now live under the Curse away from Him (with the exception of Him sending His Holy Spirit). But God has not given up on His original plan. He loves the Earth and will resurrect it one day, and He will resurrect all of us as well. We have one wonderful example of a resurrected body--Christ. Still himself in every way, but healed and perfected. God will resurrect all of our loved ones, as well, who have died knowing Christ. Those of us who have not gone to be with the Lord at that point will meet them in the air and God will transform our bodies as well. We will explore a newly resurrected Earth together. God will forever remove the barriers between the Earth and the Heavens. The city that He is preparing for us will be at the heart of the New Earth. There will be civilization, culture, music, food, and even work--all for God's glory. We will enjoy it all and be fulfilled beyond what we can imagine.

Think about it--this is what we were created to desire. We desire a physical environment. There is so much to love about this Earth. Walk down the street and look at all the beauty around you. Imagine all of that without the effects of the Curse--no weeds, no dirt, no cracks in the sidewalk, no decay--how incredible! The New Earth will be everything that we love about Earth right now, but so, so much better.

We also desire human touch and human relationships. I miss my Mom's hugs and I miss her hands. If I thought that Heaven was a fluffly place in the clouds away from our bodies, that would really diminish its meaning. I can hardly wait to see her in her resurrected body--complete with HER hands, not some hands that I've never felt before. And it's true--we really will be together again in a perfect world where death has been irradicated, and we will never fear being separated again.

Sound too good to be true? Welcome to God's true promises for you. If you truly believe in Christ and have accepted his gift of salvation for your sins, you really will live happily ever after.

We will be the place we were created for with the One who created us. We will be Home.

The Potter's Hand

I've been wrestling with today's post all day. There's a piece of me that desperately wants to delete it. It's like I'm scared that I'm perhaps taunting God, maybe even daring him to bring me more trials, just to see what I'm made of. That scares the junk out of me. Because sure enough, today has been a really difficult day, with some really garbagy issues resurfacing.

So, I've been really struggling. I was really touched by yesterday's message in church. There's so much that hit home for me, but one thing that stuck out is the idea that we are not supposed to be comfortable in this life. So true. More than anything, I would love for God to work out all the little details in my life, and live happily ever after. Of course, that's not the way it's going to be, at least not until eternity. It's really not the way it should be, especially as Christians. Stability brings complacency. We need to be reminded sometimes of the temporal, fragile nature of our lives here and now. It pushes us to have a correct perspective on the things that matter, and most importantly, convicts us of the urgent need to spread the message of God's gift of salvation.

I don't want the rain more than anyone else, but I have to work at coming to terms with the fact that my life no longer belongs to me. Christ bought me with His blood. His sacrifice on my behalf is incomprehensible, and I have nothing to give to Him as an offering of thanksgiving except for my life.

I'm not going to to delete the post, because then I will feel like the Enemy has won this round, and I don't want to let that happen. Does it scare me? Yes, of course it does. I am human, I'm a fairly typical type A personality, and I like to be in control. To give up control of my life is a pretty scary thing. And yet, I truly do want to be used by God. The fact is that the rain is going to fall regardless of what I ask God for. What I choose to gain from those experiences is up to me, and the grace of God. I anticipate it being difficult, but I do want to be the clay. "We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand" Isaiah 64:8. I give my life to the Potter's Hand.

Okay, humor me here. You knew it was coming. I've got to post these lyrics, too. : )


The Potter's Hand (Hillsong United)

Beautiful Lord, wonderful Saviour
I know for sure, all of my days are held in Your hands
Crafted into Your perfect plan

You gently call me, into Your presence
Guiding me by, Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord
To live all of my life through Your eyes

I'm captured by, Your Holy calling
Set me apart
I know You're drawing me to Yourself
Lead me Lord I pray

Take me, Mold me
Use me, Fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hands
Hold me, Guide me
Lead me, Walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand

Bring the Rain

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now, and thought it was somehow fitting when I woke up to a dreary, rainy day. One of my favorite passages is James 1:2-3, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

While I wholeheartedly believe that trials bring blessing and build your faith, do we actually stop to embrace trials? Here's the more difficult question--would we actually ASK for God to bring us trials? While the easy "Sunday School answer" might be yes, in reality, it is very difficult for me to actually think of asking God to bring me more trials.

And yet, let's think about the rain for a minute. Why does God bring rain? Of course, he brings it to foster growth. The rainiest places on our planet are the greenest. More rain, more green.

And after the rain? The rainbow. The promise that He will never again destroy the Earth. He has never left us and never will. However much rain He chooses to bring, it will never be enough to destroy us, and He will always be beside us as we pass through the storm.

So, back to the question at hand. Can I honestly invite God to bring the rain into my life? Well, I want a more abundant life, both now, and into eternity. I want more of my Jesus. I'm really trying to embrace this current rain, and to find what He's trying to teach me, and to share it. I'm not really sure that I can say that I want more rain in my life right now, but I'm trusting that God knows best. And if that's what He chooses, and if that's what it takes to praise Him...Jesus bring the rain.


Bring the Rain by MercyMe (again, you can hear it on the playlist at the bottom of the page)

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Time

I had such a wonderful long weekend. It was full of visits with family and friends. One visit was with my grandparents (my Mom's parents). It is so wonderful to sit there and visit with my Mama and Pops, who love Mom, and know her as well as I do. They are the only ones that I can really go to and let the tears flow as freely as they want to. One thing that Mama and I discussed has really stuck with me since our visit. She said that people keep saying to her, "Aren't you so relieved that Sheryl isn't suffering anymore?" Duh, of course we are. I would never, ever wish that kind of suffering on anyone. She continued, "If you put all that aside, the fact is that she's my DAUGHTER." It's true. No one should have to bury their children. No one should have to be without their Mom at the age of 27, either. I should still have my Mom for another 50 years or so. I need her.

As long as the world is under the Curse, time will be my enemy. I can't stop the days. I can't turn back the clock. And I couldn't buy any more days together with her if I had all the money in the world.

Right after my Mom died, I stood there holding her hand. It made me sick to my stomach to see that her watch was still ticking. It wasn't fair. My whole world had come to a grinding halt, and yet time was still moving along. Time takes me further and further away from when I was with her last. The other day I went into her precious jewellery box. I was so relieved to see that her watch had finally stopped. I don't know when it happened, but it made me feel slightly better.

Praise God that time will not forever be my enemy. In fact, if I stop to put things in perspective, the thief that we call time begins to lose a bit of its sting already. It's true that while I am alive here on the Earth as it is now, time will continue to rob me. While blessings may come along the way, time will continue to take my loved ones and it will continue to decay my own body. The part that helps me, though, is knowing that this is just part of the eternal plan. I am not living an isolated life with nothing to hope for. Because I've accepted God's eternal gift of salvation, I am already living my eternity. My Mom's life is not over. She continues to exist in God's presence, and one day she will be resurrected along with the Earth. I, too, will continue to exist after I take my last breath in the here and now. God has so much more planned.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I don't know what the Lord has planned for me in the near future. I know the things that I desire, but I realize that God may have an entirely different plan for me. So often people read that verse with a very temporary mindset. They think that if God doesn't provide abundant blessings, financial help, or physical healing, that He has let them down. I, however, am working towards viewing my life through eternal lenses. Even if God were to choose to take everything away from me in the here and now, I would still have hope for a future. It's His promise to me. One day time will no longer be my enemy. God will restore time to its original purpose on the New Earth, once He has lifted the curse. Time will no longer be able to take anyone or anything from me. It will bring hope, prosperity, and a future that just keeps getting better and better.

Praise God for the gift of time as He intended it to be.

Grieving

It's amazing how God leads us. He has led me to a few blogs of people who have been experiencing great losses. This poem was posted on one of the blogs, and it just speaks so well of the journey of a grieving person. I wish I had been able to post this a year ago. Praise God, much healing has taken place in my heart, but believe me, I am still at this place at times. And that's okay. I'm grieving.


Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

Choosing Joy

So, yesterday was a year from the funeral. I've felt so many emotions this past year--from hysterical, to angry, to being so sad that it physically ached my heart. Yesterday, however, I had to fight the feeling of being numb. I remember feeling that way after her funeral, too, but worse. It just felt like nothing in life would ever be joyful again. People told us that slowly God would restore our joy. It was hard to believe at that point, but it was entirely true. It comes back in bits and pieces, sometimes in ways you don't expect.

This week the Holy Spirit has been whispering this verse to me: "The Joy of the Lord is my strength" (Nehemiah 8:10). I've really been battling this. I mean, I completely understand what it means, but whether I have claimed it as my own is something else. See, I believe there's a huge difference between happiness and joy. To me, happiness is something that is never guaranteed. In fact, I think it's a much bigger guarantee that we're bound to face heartache of some kind or another during this lifetime. But, the joy of the Lord is something that is a definite guarantee. See, God never changes. No matter how much stuff we go through in this life, He is still the same. What He's done for us, and what He promises us will never change. And one day, He truly promises that He will wipe every last tear from our eyes (Rev. 7:17). For that, I will continue to praise Him. I will choose to experience His joy and let it continue to strengthen me.

It's a new day, full of hope and promise. I'm choosing joy today. I encourage you to do the same.

Slowing Down

God has a funny way of slowing us down. I suppose I should have seen it coming. I went straight from the craziness of being a teacher in June, into 3 1/2 intense weeks of university courses, all the while trying to keep from losing my mind as I was preparing to face the 1 year anniversary. Big surprise--I've been sick.

I'm not really sure if it was a migraine that caused mega-nausea, or the flu that caused a mega-migraine, but it hasn't been fun. I wasn't even able to keep down anything that might have mildy relieved my symptoms. Thankfully it's a LOT better today.

We were at Austin (Manitoba, not Texas) for the Thresherman's Reunion this weekend for some good redneck fun. It was actually kind of nice being somewhere that not everyone knows you, and they don't know everything that you're dealing with inside. I could just relax, knowing that so many people were praying, and attempt to have fun while leaving all the garbage in God's hands. I think I succeeded pretty well.

It was actually a lot harder coming home. The whole time I was there, I kept thinking of all the things I wanted to come home and tell Mom about. But she wasn't waiting for me. Even better, I know she's waiting for me in my real HOME, and wow, there will be stories to tell on that day. But still, in this moment, it sucks. It was really hard to have the guys go back to work and to just sit at home by myself.

I was all prepared to do what I do best when I feel like this...work until I'm too tired to think about it. This is where God came in. I'm pretty sure he said, "Honey, you know you've got to slow down and take care of yourself." I'm pretty sure I didn't want to listen, because He took charge as He always does and forced me to slow down for a few days. Seriously, I have a to-do list as long as my arm and yet I sat on the couch nearly all day today. I have to remind myself that my bathroom will still be dirty tomorrow, and my office organizing can wait, too. Admittedly, it has felt pretty good to have a darn good reason not to do anything.

Why does He always have to be right?

Homesick

So, here I am, about to embark on my blogging journey. I thought it was a fitting time to begin as I am approaching a very significant date. The date that changed everything. On July 25th, it will be one year since my Mom...my best friend...passed away.

It's a very difficult time. Trying to describe my exact feelings are difficult. Some people seem to think that after a year, everything gets easier. While it's true that things do get easier over time...by God's grace I have seen and felt that...it definitely doesn't go away. It never will. I ache for my Mom.

Now here's the important part. I am still grieving deeply, but I grieve with hope. 1 Thesselonians 4:13 says, "But we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, about those who have died, so that you may not grieve like other people who have no hope." I know without a shadow of a doubt where my Mom is. Because I have a loving Savior who loves me enough to have died on behalf of MY sins, for my Mom, and even for you, and because I know that I and my Mom have accepted this gift of salvation, I know that I have an eternal future with her and my God.

God has taught me so much about Heaven this past year. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, but I am so thankful that God has blessed me with being able to draw closer to Him. He proves His faithfulness to me over and over. If only I'd learn to trust Him in the first place...but that's another topic entirely...

I've had plenty of time to reflect on what exactly makes my heart ache. I don't wish my Mom back to the life of pain that she endured. She was very tired and was ready to be done fighting. What my heart aches for is what my Mom longed for...to go Home. My eternal Home. Heaven. The place where I can spend eternity with the One who loves me beyond my imagination...the One who loved me enough to have given my Mom to me in the first place. The place where time and death can no longer rob me. I am Homesick.


Homesick by MercyMe (hint...you can hear it on the playlist at the bottom of the page)

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I‘ve never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord because I don’t understand Your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But even if You showed me the hurt would be the same
Because I’m still here so far away from home

Chorus

In Christ there are no goodbyes
In Christ there is no end
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again

Chorus