So This Is Summer...

I've been in a difficult place this last week as I've been trying to settle into some sort of summer holiday routine. I know this summer is the second one without my Mom, but this one is different. Last year I dove into summer courses and kept myself ridiculously busy. It was what I needed, I think. This year, for several reasons, I just couldn't do that to myself. And so, I found myself alone in the house as summer holidays began. To top it all off, I was dealing with the drama of my Mom's grave monument (a story in itself), which forced me to go and visit the cemetary that day. I don't know about anyone else who is dealing with grief, but I just simply cannot go there without crying. Just simply cannot.

I found myself missing her all week, though...like...a lot. I was thinking about how she would have been practically giddy over the fact that I was off school for two months and she would have me all to herself. And I would be so, so happy to be there for her. I found myself, almost inexplicably doing little things that she would have done...watching her favorite t.v. shows, drinking her instant coffee...things I would almost never do on my own. They just kind of happened and it was like she was there.

Because I was struggling with this so badly, I found myself resorting to my usual coping mechanism which is throwing myself into a work frenzy to try to keep myself so busy that I don't feel the pain. It's pretty brilliant and works temporarily, but a person's body and soul can only sustain so much of that. I know that I need to take it down a notch for this summer. God's been really speaking to me about it in my life, in general.

I think this is part of the whole "change" thing I've been dealing with over the past few months. I know that God has gifted me to be *able* to get things done for Him, but He also wants me to be rested and ready to answer when He calls. I'd been praying about it for a while, and this spring God really convicted me to give up my side business. There are many, many reasons behind that decision, but ultimately the main reason is because God has said that it's time. I'm not really sure what exactly He has in store, but I definitely know that He will find a way to use me if I am willing to give Him my time and energy. I'd like to think that He's just "clearing out the clutter" for bigger and better things.

As for this summer, I definitely have placed it in His hands. He has blessed me with an unexpected trip to New York for a conference. I had planned to spend the following two weeks taking a summer course, but God completely prompted me to let it go for now. I'm already so relieved...I know it was the right thing to do. I have been getting emails about the course, even though I'm no longer registered for it, and I would have had to go for an extra day on Saturday, July 25th that was not described in the course description. Doesn't sound like a big deal? Well, the 25th will be the anniversary of my Mom's passing. There is no way I want to be in a classroom on that day...I belong with my family...clearly God knew that I should not be in that class. Never mind the fact that I would have ridiculously overworked myself.

I had started reading a book probably about a year before my Mom passed away on our visits to dialysis. It's called Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World (Finding Intimacy with God in the Busyness of Life) by Joanna Weaver. I never had a chance to finish it and recently picked it up again. God has definitely been speaking to me through this book. The quote that prompted me to drop my class is, "The world clamors, 'Do more! Be all that you can be!' But our Father whispers, 'Be still and know that I am God.'"

That's my goal for the summer. Yes, I want to get stuff done. I want to organize, clean, and accomplish. I want to spend time with friends and family and do all kinds of fun things. But I also want to take the time to just be. Even if the quiet hurts. Because that's where God is.

Restless

I know I've been slacking on my blog lately. I'm just not entirely sure where I'm at. Since the new year began, I've been feeling like my soul is restless. I can attribute that to a lot of things, I guess. From my "Heaven" perspective, I know that a lot of those feelings can be attributed to Homesickness...the feeling that nothing that I could ever have on this side of Home can ever completely fill me up...the feeling that I crave God...His presence, His place, and all the wonder that entails. Everything else just pales in comparison. But I think it's a little more than that right now. I think I'm craving change, which honestly scares the junk out of me.

When Mom was still here, I felt like I knew God's will for my life. I knew that He had created me to take care of her, even when it maybe meant sacrificing some of my own desires. Funny thing is that I don't feel like I sacrificed much at all...there's so much security in knowing that you're right where you're supposed to be.

When she died, I felt like I couldn't stand an ounce more of change. The upheaval that I lived in was almost more than I could bear. I still feel overwhelmed with it at times, but it has definitely become easier. In fact, when I don't feel like hyperventilating at the thought of change, I'm actually excited about the prospect of new challenges and opportunities.

I'm not entirely comfortable laying out all the details of all that I desire in my life. I'll just say that I'd love to see some things start, I'm willing to see some things change, and maybe I'm even ready to see some things end. In the midst of so much uncertainty, however, there are a few things that I am certain of. I want God to remain my focus. I want to live in His will. And I really, really want to trust that His timing is perfect. (That's the hardest one for me).

I just wish my head and my heart would stop spinning. It would be nice if life were just a little more black and white. :)

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Here's a hymn that's been close to my heart lately. There's something about hymns that is so special to me. I think it's the idea that the things that God's people endure transcends generations. Makes me feel less alone. Just as these words are timeless, so are God's promises to His children. Comforting, isn't it?

Be Still, My Soul
Katharina von Schlegel

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

Disney World--Where Dreams Come True :)

It has taken me a long time to commit to sitting down and writing about our trip. It meant so very much to me that it's really difficult to put it into words. Well, here's my best effort.

A little bit of history first. It was *always* Mom's dream to take us to Disney World. Always. When we were kids, it was financially impossible. When it became viable financially, her health had deteriorated to a point where it was just not going to happen. Part of grieving her death was grieving the loss of things we didn't get to do while she was here, and the loss of future things we wouldn't get to do together. It was really difficult to think about going and having fun without her. Thankfully we began planning this trip a long time in advance, and by the time it finally arrived, I was ready to go and have fun for her, knowing that this is what she would have wanted. It has also really helped to learn so much about the hope of Heaven, because I know that I will have endless opportunities to do ridiculously fun things with her in the future.

I had to be a bit careful, though. I knew that if I built this up to be such a huge deal, expected it to fulfill every dream and desire within me, then I would be disappointed. I decided to just relax about it, take it for what it was--an absolute blessing--and enjoy it for whatever it would be. And so the adventure began.

Day 1--Saturday, Dec. 27th, 2008

We had decided to drive down to Minneapolis and fly from there because it saved us a huge chunk of money. Of course, it had to storm. We left quite early in the morning and made the drive in less than ideal conditions. We saw many people in the ditch, saw a semi truck nearly jack-knife in front of us, and so we took it sloooow. I know there were many people praying for our safety because we arrived safe and sound in Minneapolis in time for supper. We had a fun evening at the Mall of America, and then retired early at our hotel, knowing we'd have to be up very early to catch our flights the next morning.

Day 2--Sunday, Dec. 28th, 2008

We were shuttled to the airport around 4 a.m. and our flight was scheduled to leave at 6 a.m. I was pretty much a nervous wreck. I had been on a small plane once before when I was 13, but this was my first time actually flying anywhere. Dad had flown before, but not for quite a few years. And the experience was completely new to Greg, as well. That being said, I am in awe of how smoothly the entire airport experience went. We got through security very quickly, and then enjoyed some Starbucks while we waited for our flight. As we were waiting to board, Dad joked that they were getting out the booster cables to start the plane. I promptly told him to shut up. I wasn't very amused. After we boarded, however, the plane did not leave on time as it was supposed to. The pilot told us that the starting engine was not working and that they were going to have to get another ground power unit from elsewhere at the airport to fire it up. Strange, Dad didn't joke about any plane malfunctions from that point on in the trip. Thankfully, the engine got started up, and we left without incident. I was relieved and overwhelmed. I couldn't help but cry for a good chunk of the flight. It was just so real that we were finally on our way. And it was just so beautiful looking out that window. The sun began to rise above the wing, and I sensed Mom was there with me (I can tell you about that some other time). I just knew she was coming with us, and it was absolutely breathtaking.

We flew to Miami first. As we approached, I experienced another first--seeing the ocean. It was so beautiful. Mom had never seen the ocean before either.

Getting off the plane at Miami was amazing--you could feel the heat right away. I had never been anywhere hot in winter before, and it was just incredible. We had a short wait at that airpot and then flew to Orlando. At Orlando we boarded Disney's Magical Express which whisked us away to our resort. It was great--they even picked up our luggage and it right to our room for us. We stayed at the incredible Animal Kingdom Lodge. It was so overwhelming to drive up to it in this bus. I just couldn't feel more blessed to have been able to stay there.

After we had checked in, we went to Downtown Disney and had an amazingly delicious supper at Raglan Road. It's an Irish pub restaurant. We spent the rest of the evening just walking around and enjoying Downtown Disney...and the weather! It was beautiful! It sounds silly, but a highlight of that first day was getting to see my first palm tree. They fascinate me. I have more than a few pictures of them. This picture is of a palm tree right outside our room. I took it that first night.

Another highlight that first night was walking around and exploring our resort. Animal Kingdom Lodge is situated on hundreds of acres of savanna with many wild African animals. We walked out to some of the lookout points behind the resort. At one point, there was a guide who had several night vision goggles. We were able to take turns and look through the goggles. It was so cool--we saw the giraffes and other animals clear as day (just green, of course).

Day 3--Monday, Dec. 29th, 2008

When we left our hotel room first thing in the morning, we stopped to look out the resort at a lookout point just a short way from our room. This giraffe greeted us.

We spent the day at Epcot. I remember my Grandparents visiting Disney World in the late '80s and telling us about the big "golf ball." It was so cool to drive up in the bus and to see the big ball in person! Epcot, in general, was a lot of fun. It was amazing to visit all the different world pavillions. We ate lunch at the Moroccan pavillion and had supper in the big Mayan pyramid. (We ate amazing food all week, by the way.) Another really cool thing was seeing all the Christmas decorations...while it was hot outside. Pretty surreal. Each park had its own gigantic themed Christmas tree and lots of other decorations as well, which included a ridiculous number of poinsettias. We didn't go on very many rides. We rode on the GM Test Drive and the Finding Nemo ride, but that's about it. We waited for nearly two hours for the Test Drive. That very much limited how much we could go on in a day. We got to see part of the amazing fireworks show at the end of the night, as well. Overall, it was a fantastic day. It somehow didn't matter that our feet were close to falling off--just had to suck it up because there was a lot more fun to come!

Day 4--Tuesday, Dec. 30th, 2008

A very cool thing happened while we were waiting for the bus. Greg looked up in the sky and noticed that a plane was writing something in the sky. We soon noticed that he drew a smiley face. After the smiley face he wrote, "Smile Jesus loves you." How cool is that? I don't know who he did it for, but it felt like it was just for us. It felt like it was a message right from Jesus himself saying, "Go ahead and have fun. I delight in your joy." What a great way to start the day!

We went to the Animal Kingdom park that day. It was really hot and there were sooo many people! A priority of mine was to go on the safari--after all, our resort was right on the savanna--I really wanted to see these animals up close. So, we waited in line for two hours. It was so worth it, though. It was surreal to see giraffes, rhinos, and elephants so close up. They are all so beautiful--evidence of God's magnificent imagination.

After the safari, we had lunch outside next to the water. We then waited in line two and a half hours (yes, that's right--a full 150 minutes) just to ride the Expedition Everest roller coaster. I really love roller coasters. It wasn't the greatest one I've ever been on, but it was fun. What made it worth the wait, though, was dragging Greg on the roller coaster. He had never been on one besides the little kiddie ones. All screaming aside, he actually liked it!

Because of the long waits, that is all we accomplished at Animal Kingdom. I quickly realized that I was just going to have to let go of any expectations that I had, thinking that we would get to see everything. Whatever we got to do was going to have to be good enough, and we would just have to come back again sometime!

We had supper at our resort at the beautiful Boma restaurant. It is an African buffet. It was amazing food, of course.

That evening we experienced one of my favorite parts of the entire trip. We got to see Cirque du Soleil La Nouba. I hardly have words for how spectactular it was! It was absolutely sensory overload. Of course, we weren't allowed to take any photos. All I can do is highly recommend that you see it if you ever have the opportunity to go!

Day 5--Wednesday, Dec. 31st, 2008

New Year's Eve at Disney World. How much better can it get? Well, our day started off with a bit of disappointment. The plan was to spend the day at Magic Kingdom so that we could see the fireworks in the evening. We slept in a bit and got on the bus to head over there around 11 a.m. On the way over there, the bus driver announced that they had just closed Magic Kingdom--too many guests. Can you believe it? I had never heard of such a thing. I fought back the disappointment and made a decision that we would just have to alter our plans. We decided to go to Hollywood Studios for the day.

I loved Hollywood Studios. It was so wonderfully vintage!!! We had a great day walking around and taking in the sights. For lunch, we had gigantic turkey legs--something that Dad had always wanted to try, and for a snack in the afternoon, I had a giant pickle--something that Mom would have wanted. It was pretty stinkin' great!

We left Hollywood Studios for supper and headed over to the Grand Floridian Resort (Disney World's most expensive resort). There we went to a character dinner with Cinderella, Prince Charming, the Wicked Stepmother, and the Stepsisters. It was another dream come true...for me, at least! The boys just humored me. :)

I LOVE CINDERELLA!!! I know, I'm a cornball. That's okay. It might entertain you to know that I was nearly in tears in this photo. It just meant so much to me--a childhood dream fulfilled--I'm sure it made Mom happy, as well. :)

After supper, we fulfilled a little dream of Dad's and rode the Monorail. We discovered that they had reopened Magic Kingdom so we went straight there. There was no way that we were going to miss the Magic Kingdom fireworks on New Year's Eve! We got there around 9:30 p.m. and found a place to stand. We didn't dare move for the next two and a half hours while we waited for the fireworks to begin. There were so many people that it was absolutely overwhelming. The fireworks began before midnight, and they were spectacular. They even counted down to the New Year with number fireworks in the sky. Then the *real* fireworks began. They were going off all around us. The air actually warmed up. It was a moment to treasure.

Then reality kicked back in as we had to hang on to each other as we battled the thousands of people to get back to our bus! Dad went back to the resort to go to sleep, but Greg and I went back to Hollywood Studios for a while. Even when we came back to the resort at 3 a.m., there were still rows of cars streaming out of the park. Craziness!

Day 6--Thursday, Jan. 1st, 2009

There was a very good reason why we had wanted to go to Magic Kingdom on Wednesday and save Hollywood Studios for Thursday. My Aunt, Uncle, and cousins were planning on joining us in Hollywood Studios on Thursday. They were just beginning their vacation. So, instead of going to Magic Kingdom, we went back to Hollywood Studios that morning just so we could be with them. Before heading out, though, we had breakfast at our resort. We had Mickey waffles--so cute (and delicious)!!!

We stayed with them until early afternoon. It was really great, actually, because I had more people to ride roller coasters with. We were able to ride the Aerosmith roller coaster, and go on the Tower of Terror (oooh, scary)! It was completely surreal to see your family show up when you are thousands of miles away from home like that! Such a blessing!

It was late afternoon before we finally made it to Magic Kingdom. By this time, we didn't really have time to do any rides there--just check out the sights, and that was okay. I was just happy to stand in front of Cinderella's castle. Yep, you guessed it. I stood there and cried. Couldn't help myself. Still makes me cry just thinking about it. It meant so much to be standing there, fulfilling this dream for me...and for Mom. Kind of a big deal. :)

We took the boat across the lake to Wilderness Lodge for supper at Whispering Canyon Cafe. Aaahhh...sounds peaceful and relaxing, doesn't it? Um yeah, not quite. It was actually a rather obnoxious, loud, rowdy Western restaurant. Thankfully the food was good, but we were extremely exhausted, and starting to feel physically ill, so I was not that well-humored about doing the Hokey Pokey and waving my napkin around in the air like a lasso. Thank goodness we didn't order anything that needed ketchup...yikes, you don't want to know...

And so we headed back to pack up for our early departure the next day. We were exhausted, but happy. It was so much to process.

I'm not sure if it happened that night or if it was another night, but it's a worthwhile story to tell. Dad snores *ridiculously* and Greg and I were less than amused, especially when we really valued our sleep by that point in the trip. At one point, I was so frustrated that I said to Greg, "If Mom were here, she would have kicked him by now." Instantly, he stopped snoring, and no, he did not wake up. Pretty cool, huh? I'd like to think she did her part to help out. :)

Day 7--Friday, Jan. 2nd, 2009

We left the resort at 3:45 a.m. Dad and I were quite nauseous and took gravol before we even got on the plane. Our flight left Orlando at 7 a.m., we flew to Dallas/Ft. Worth in between, and then got in to Minneapolis around 12:30 p.m. Thankfully we had the foresight to book another night at the hotel in Minneapolis. The hotel shuttle came to pick us up. We went back to the hotel and went straight to sleep. Around 5:30 p.m. we got up, went to the Mall of America, choked down some supper, did a bit of shopping (where I picked up a glorious pair of shoes that I had coveted all week), and then headed back to the hotel, where it was straight to sleep again. Not such an exciting day, but it was good to get all that sleep. It meant we were ready to head out the next morning.

Day 8--Saturday, Jan. 3rd, 2009

We headed out around 9 a.m. Thankfully we were well rested, because the drive home was quite stressful. Not far out of Minneapolis, we drove right into a snowstorm--one that was just as bad, if not worse, than what we drove out in.

Clearly, there were people praying for us again, because we took it slow and made it home safe and sound around suppertime.

We were tired, but so very happy. This trip was an adventure like we'd never had before. In some ways, it was not what I'd expected, but in so many other ways, it was way more than I'd dreamed possible. It was an absolute blessing that I will never take for granted. It was a dream come true.

Reflections on Christmas 2008

My Mommy always told me that if I couldn't say anything nice, then I shouldn't say anything at all.

Okay, I guess it wasn't that bad. There were some good moments. But it sure wasn't great. In fact, it was downright ugly at times (I think I managed to hide it pretty well, though). Some people say that the second year is tougher than the first, and that is definitely what I experienced this Christmas. It was way harder than the first. Hopefully it was rock bottom, and it can only get better from there.

I'm done reflecting, can we move on now?