A Spectacular Day

Sometimes God chooses to bless us in small ways and sometimes also in big ways. I experienced one of those big ways yesterday (at least it was big in my world). Last school year I entered a book contest with my students. As a class, we wrote a book about what kids imagine goes on in the staff room. We spent countless hours writing, and even more hours creating elaborate illustrations. We felt it was good (and funny), but we also knew that we were competing against other entries across Canada (80 to be exact).

It was a wonderful day last spring when I received the phone call. The judges had unanimously voted for our book to be the grand prize winner. It was going to be published and available at the Scholastic book fairs across Canada. The kids were each going to receive a copy of the book, a t-shirt, and a medal. The school would receive $1000 and a certificate.

Yesterday, after months of preparations, the day of the ceremony arrived. The prizes in and of themselves were amazing enough, but the recognition we received was quite unexpected. In attendance at the ceremony, we had the Lieutenant Governor of the province, a representative for the Minister of Education, our local MLA, the local Reeve, the Superintendent, and Scholastic Reps (and those were just the ones who spoke). We also received greetings via letter from the Governor General of Canada and the Prime Minister. Then there was the Media! We were on two different news programs, on the radio, on the internet, and in the newspaper. Unbelievable!

I think my feet have finally landed back on the ground today. You know, it's interesting. It's not like this is an award that may have a lot of value in God's eyes. I think what may matter to Him is that it was an amazing gift to the kids--something that will stick with them forever. I'm just humbled to have been used by Him in this way.

I also believe that sometimes He chooses to bless us in ways that surprise us, just because He delights in seeing us smile. : )

It's not the best picture in the world, but just know that I'm pretty much losing it right here (unbelievably enough, I was receiving a standing ovation at this point).

The New "Normal"

It's been a roller coaster week. In so many ways, I've been blessed by friends and family. I had a "surprise" birthday party last night, and spent even more time with friends and family today. Overall, it was great. But, when no one but my immediate family has been looking...I've pretty much been a mess.

I think the crying started Wednesday night after worship practice. I kept it together the whole time (pretty proud of myself, actually), but then I completely lost it on the way home. It hit me that I was no longer expecting to see Mom's bedroom light on when I came home. We had only lived with Mom in the new house for eight months, but they were wonderful times filled with establishing new family routines. The new house has been such a blessing in so many ways, but one of the biggest blessings was that Mom was able to have her own room. It was the gathering place for all of us every night. Sometimes one by one, and sometimes all at a time, we would gather in her room...watch a little tv, check our email (that was the temporary place we had set up the computer), or just sit on her big chair and chat. I would so love to see that warm glow of light coming from her room as I came home from worship practice. It was really difficult the first few times after she passed away, to come home and not see it on, and to know that she wasn't waiting for me. That's why it hit me so hard this week. I realized that I was no longer even thinking about seeing her light on when I came home. I couldn't help but wonder...when did this become NORMAL?

When she died, I felt so paralyzed. I had no idea what to do next. I had never lived a single day without her in my life...never taken a single breath without her here. Everything was new and foreign. Every single thing was a first...the first time I brushed my teeth without her here, the first time I took a shower...and on and on. And yet somehow...somewhere along the line...I've become USED to life without her??? It's just beyond my comprehension.

Most people have said to us that the first year is the hardest, because it's filled with a million firsts. In many ways, I completely agree. So incredibly difficult. But, after we had reached that one year mark, someone said to us that in many other ways the second year is more difficult. It's the year that reality sets in.

I think I'm experiencing that and I have to tell you, I don't really like it. I don't like the fact that I could ever get used to life without my dear Mom. I am constantly transported back to the day she left, and the time before and after. It seems like just a moment ago. I don't know how I've come to this place. The place where I'm getting used to the fact that she's not here day after day. The place where she's not here to celebrate birthdays. I did, in fact, have a really nice birthday, filled with more than I need or deserve. But there's still an empty spot that just can't be filled tonight. More than anything, I just wanted my Mom. My very best birthday memories are of times when things were kept low key. Mom and I would go out for supper and shopping. That's it. So simple. So perfect. Those are precious memories that I cherish.

Mom had this little prayer that she copied down on a sticky note (she loved sticky notes) and kept it close to her bed. I have it tucked away in my Bible now. It's strangely fitting, and I would like to think of it as Mom's birthday wish for me.

Dear Lord,
Let me not dwell in the memories of my past, but help me to face the future with expectation and courage, eager to find the blessings You have planned for me there.
Amen

As I struggle tonight with defining "normal" in my life, I am reminded that the only constant in all of this is my Jesus. He "is the same yesterday and today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8). I don't know where the future is taking me. I don't know what God has planned for me to accomplish. I don't know in what other ways he will challenge my definition of "normal." But it will change. As scary as that is, I can't stop it. The only thing that I can do is to try to seek out the blessings in the changes. I know they are there, and I know that it's what Mom would want for me.

Reason to Smile

Just wanted to share my reason to smile today. Okay, I guess it's two reasons. The first reason is that it's my Dad's birthday. It's kind of a big one, too. Not big by most people's standards, but by our family's standards, it's definitely a big one. Today is the day that my Dad finally became older than my Mom. Sound strange? Allow me to explain. My Mom was a year older than my Dad. He always teased her about being older. She died at 53. Today Dad turned 54. I can just imagine the enormous grin on Mom's face and almost hear the laugh that brought me so much joy just to hear it. That definitely makes me smile.

Reason number two is that the farm is officially SOLD as of today. I can't tell you what a relief it is after all of our hard work and waiting. It's kind of strange in a lot of ways, too. Thankfully we have had so much closure along the way, and a very definite assurance that God has placed us exactly where He wants us. It will be so wonderful to have our lives contained in one place. This news was an amazing birthday gift for Dad.

I'm liking this post. There were big reasons to smile today, but God graciously gives me many reasons to smile everyday. I just think it's sometimes easy to take them for granted, and to take for granted where they come from. If He's given you a reason to smile today, why don't you share it with me? I'd love to hear it. : )

Letting Go of the Why's

There's a lot on my mind tonight, and I'm having a hard time gathering my thoughts. I don't know if it seems this way to you, but it seems to me that there is more and more suffering in the world all the time. It seems like everyone that I know is being impacted by some sort of difficult circumstance. I don't think it's just a perception, either--I believe that things really will become more difficult and that there will be more suffering as we get closer and closer to the End of the Age. In Matthew 24, Jesus talks about the signs of the End of the Age, and he says that "All these are the beginning of birth pains" (verse 8). It's a fascinating analogy, really. Of course, labor pains become stronger and stronger, and more and more painful, but they lead to something really beautiful. It's the same for the things we are going through right now. It is indeed quite possible that more and more sickness and tragedy will befall us as we are getting closer and closer to the End. Thankfully, as believers, we have the unwavering hope that the most amazingly beautiful thing will come out of all of this...being with our loving Creator in the place He is creating for us.

In the meantime, it's sometimes difficult to deal with the "why's" of all of this. I don't pretend to have the answers. In my situation, I can see a lot of good that has come out of my Mom's life, and even her death. But I don't pretend for a single second to understand Why. Because it is fundamentally unfair. I miss her and I want her here with me. Plain and simple.

God has really been speaking to me about this whole Why topic lately. I love my Women's Devotional Bible. I would never claim to be the most diligent at reading it, but I do try, and when I take the time to open it, God never fails to amaze me at how He can speak to me through those words--both the Scriptures and the accompanying devotions. I was trying to find the one that I had wanted to reference in this post, and I just stumbled across another one.

If you have the same Bible, it's on page 576.

In the late 1800's Mrs. Louisa M.R. Stead watched as her husband died while trying to save a drowning boy. This familiar hymn was written as a response to her struggle with the "why?"questions she asked God during that difficult time.

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word,
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know, "Thus saith the Lord."

I'm so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

~Louisa MR. Stead

We're certainly not the first generation to be hurting. And unless the Lord returns soon, we certainly won't be the last.

The devotion that I was trying to find is on p. 218 of the Women's Devotional Bible. It's, very fittingly, called Our Why Questions and was written by Mary Jane Worden. She has this amazing line that really hit home for me:

Sometimes when we ask God our Why questions, instead of giving us answers He gives us Himself, the Comforter.

I don't have many Why answers, but I do have Him. I have way more of Him than if I hadn't wanted to ask the Why's. And you know what? For today, it's enough. He is always more than enough. We need to be asking for the grace to work at letting Him be our everything. We need to go against society's view that we need to be tough and independent, and learn how to lean. There's no better feeling than to know you're being held by Him.


*By the way, I encourage you to take the time to check out Randy Alcorn's blog called Eternal Perspectives. His post today called Video of Elizabeth Wall: Way Bigger than her Cystic Fibrosis is well worth checking out.*

Back to the Grind

If you're one of the few who has been following my blog, you will have likely noticed my very obvious absence this past week. That is, of course, because I am back to the grind.

Back to work for another school year, as well as what seems like a thousand other commitments. They are all very good things that I am committed to, so I really hope to be able to give adequate attention to each.

It has been a really intense, emotional week. It was hard to begin another school year without Mom seeing me off to school on the first day. And I've really been stressing myself out about this entire upcoming school year. To top it off, every night this past week my Dad and I were painting in the farm house to help the selling process move along a little faster. It was demanding both physically and emotionally, with having to spend so many hours in the place I grew up, filled with many memories. I was definitely burning the candle at both ends, and not looking after myself the way I should.

This weekend has been a bit of a recovery time. I haven't been pushing myself too hard, although there's many things that I should be doing. I don't know if you ever feel like you're being given "extra hours," but that's what it has felt like so far this weekend. Friday night and all day Saturday have felt really long, like I'm being gifted with extra time. While of course, that's not possible, I'm just thanking my sweet Jesus for giving me a few peaceful moments. I have more to accomplish tomorrow after church, as well, but I have a feeling that God will keep me fairly relaxed about them, too, while helping me get done what I need to.

I know God is reassuring me that I will be able to make it through...not of my own strength, but only because I have Him to lean on. It never fails to amaze me how He really does give strength to do the things that He asks us to do. So, this next week, as I'm settling into the routine of another year, I'm going to be working on giving it over to Him. I'm also trying to keep my eyes on the bigger picture, as each day brings me closer to Home.