Restless

I know I've been slacking on my blog lately. I'm just not entirely sure where I'm at. Since the new year began, I've been feeling like my soul is restless. I can attribute that to a lot of things, I guess. From my "Heaven" perspective, I know that a lot of those feelings can be attributed to Homesickness...the feeling that nothing that I could ever have on this side of Home can ever completely fill me up...the feeling that I crave God...His presence, His place, and all the wonder that entails. Everything else just pales in comparison. But I think it's a little more than that right now. I think I'm craving change, which honestly scares the junk out of me.

When Mom was still here, I felt like I knew God's will for my life. I knew that He had created me to take care of her, even when it maybe meant sacrificing some of my own desires. Funny thing is that I don't feel like I sacrificed much at all...there's so much security in knowing that you're right where you're supposed to be.

When she died, I felt like I couldn't stand an ounce more of change. The upheaval that I lived in was almost more than I could bear. I still feel overwhelmed with it at times, but it has definitely become easier. In fact, when I don't feel like hyperventilating at the thought of change, I'm actually excited about the prospect of new challenges and opportunities.

I'm not entirely comfortable laying out all the details of all that I desire in my life. I'll just say that I'd love to see some things start, I'm willing to see some things change, and maybe I'm even ready to see some things end. In the midst of so much uncertainty, however, there are a few things that I am certain of. I want God to remain my focus. I want to live in His will. And I really, really want to trust that His timing is perfect. (That's the hardest one for me).

I just wish my head and my heart would stop spinning. It would be nice if life were just a little more black and white. :)

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Here's a hymn that's been close to my heart lately. There's something about hymns that is so special to me. I think it's the idea that the things that God's people endure transcends generations. Makes me feel less alone. Just as these words are timeless, so are God's promises to His children. Comforting, isn't it?

Be Still, My Soul
Katharina von Schlegel

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.