Okay, it's been a while. I just can't bring myself here everyday. By "here" I don't mean just to the computer...that I can do...but to the point of being able to put some thoughts down. I think about it a lot. But I think that's part of the problem. I am always thinking about what to write and the thought is rarely complete. Even when I do decide what to write, it's usually still a work in progress. Which is me, I guess...a work in progress.
So here's what the work in progress has been thinking about lately...being brokenhearted. I am thankful that no guy has ever broken my heart (not yet, anyway). But, for all that I have to compare it to, this kind of profound loss has resulted in my heart being just about as broken as I could ever wish it to be. I do see many measures of healing for which I am extremely grateful, but the strange thing is that I don't think that it will ever completely heal. I think that's actually the point. Just when I become confident that things are going really well, something hits that takes me right back to the worst moments. I think that God may allow us to revisit those darkest moments of grief to keep the wound slightly open.
I actually believe that there is a lot to be gained by living through the brokenness. I believe that when our hearts have been broken to ourselves and our selfish desires, we can experience brokenness towards others. It allows us to relate to the suffering of others, and to inspire us to do something about it. God wants our hearts to break for the things that break His heart.
I can relate this to many aspects of my life, but for a specific example, I can relate this to my work. It's not just a job. I know that God has called me to do this. It becomes clearer and clearer to me everyday. It is so amazing to make a difference in the life of a child. And I'm not just talking about teaching them math or how to read. Of course, those things make a difference, too. But it's about seeing them as God's children, created in His image, and seeing how He wants them to be loved. And then *trying* to do that everyday. God has broken my heart for so many kids over the years. I have honestly cried many tears over them. How amazing that God has put me in this position to be able to invest in their little lives.
I have to ask myself--would I be the same person, and in the same position to love these kids, without the brokenness? I'm pretty sure the answer is no. And that's okay by me. I believe that brokenness can actually crack open hardened hearts and give them a greater capacity to love. Broken heart=potentially more love? Sounds strange, doesn't it? Like I said...work in progress... :)
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
2 comments:
Beautiful post Kath. I think you're right about the brokenness. Losing something/someone makes you appreciate everything you have that much more b/c you have experienced that pain. Not fun, but true. You are always in my prayers.
You're right on the money, as usual. I think that - in so many ways - our brokenness shapes who we are, more than our joy. If only it didn't hurt so much.
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